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January
10, 2004: Hmm. Ian @ 2:05 AM I think it's interesting... not necessarily something that happened to me, er, verbatim. SHE: You're not very romantic. ME : Am I in trouble? SHE: Why would you ask that? ME : I dunno. Just sounds like it. SHE: You think you're in trouble because I asked you a question? ME : That's usually how it starts, yes. SHE: Give an example. ME : "Do I look fat in these pants?" SHE: [laughs] You'd be in trouble if you gave the wrong answer to that one! ME : There is no right answer to that one. SHE: Either I look fat in the pants, or I don't. It's that thingy. ME : "Thingy"? SHE: You said it the other night. That philosophy thingy. ME : Urk. SHE: Don't say "urk." You know what I mean. ME : The Law of Excluded Middle? SHE: Yeah, that. You're either fat or you're not. ME : Well... SHE: Don't say "well." Just don't. ME : OK. You look fat in those pants, or you don't. SHE: Right. ME : ...but you won't accept my answer in good faith. SHE: Either I am or I'm not. ME : Right, but if I say you're not, you think I'm lying. SHE: You are. I look fat in those pants. ME : ...but if I say you do look fat, your feelings will be hurt. SHE: Nevermind that. You're trying to change the subject. ME : I'd hoped you hadn't noticed. SHE: This is about the way you treat me. ME : OK. SHE: OK. ME : OK. SHE: Don't just say "OK." ME : What am I supposed to say? SHE: [triumphantly] Yes! That's it! That's the problem in a nutshell! ME : ...that I don't know what to say? SHE: Right! ME : OK. SHE: What did I just ask you not to do? ME : I don't know what to say. Honestly. SHE: You need to work on that. ME : Knowing what to say? SHE: Among other things. ME : Make a list, please. SHE: You're not romantic. You don't say the things to me that a woman wants to hear. ME : Oh, OK, we're back to that. SHE: We were never off that. ME : I understand. I thought my not knowing what to say was limited to this conversation. SHE: It's not. ME : I know that now. SHE: So are you all caught up? ME : Yes. You're mad at me because I don't say romantic things. SHE: I'm not mad at you. I just want you to do the right things. ME : ...so this is about more than just saying stuff? SHE: Yeah. ME : [pauses] Care to supply details? SHE: You see? You don't even know! You don't even realize this is a problem! ME : Apparently not. SHE: There's a whole lot you could be doing, you know. ME : [pauses]...to be more romantic? SHE: Yes! What did you think I meant, flood relief? ME : I was just making sure. SHE: Making sure of what? Do I usually change the subject in the middle of a conversation? ME : I often perceive you to be doing so, yes. That may be error on my part. SHE: Don't pretend to take the blame for something you think I do. ME : Drat! You've seen through my evil scheme! SHE: I'm serious! ME : I know! SHE: So are you going to do it? ME : Do what? SHE: Be more romantic! ME : I didn't know I wasn't being sufficiently romantic. SHE: I just told you! ME : I know! This is the first I'm hearing about it! SHE: You should have known without being told. ME : How does that work, exactly? SHE: You should value me enough to perceive my needs and meet them without being asked. ME : I try to do that. SHE: I know, Honey, but you need to do more. ME : Such as? SHE: [sighs] If I have to tell you, it won't mean anything. ME : If you don't tell me, how will I know? SHE: You should just know. ME : ...but I don't. SHE: No. You don't. ME : OK, so we've established that. SHE: I'm not trying to be funny. ME : Neither am I. SHE: I'm serious about this. ME : So am I. I want you to be happy. SHE: I know that. I never said you didn't. ME : ...and since I want you to be happy, I want to do the things that will make you happy. SHE: Good. ME : ...once I know what they are. SHE: [sighs] Never mind. ME : Oh, no. No. You can't bring something like this up, sigh, and say "Nevermind." What is it that you think I should be doing? SHE: Just little things. I don't want to talk about it. ME : You have a funny way of showing it. SHE: You're a jerk. ME : So I'm discovering. So, what kind of little things? SHE: If I have to tell you, it doesn't mean anything. ME : I'm supposed to just know? SHE: Right. ME : ...and if I don't? SHE: You're supposed to. ME : Yeah, but I'm "supposed" to pay state sales tax on Internet purchases. SHE: This is hardly the same thing. ME : No, but it's the best analogy I could come up with quickly. SHE: How about you drop the analogies? ME : OK. Now... SHE: Look, it's not about giving you a list of things to do. That's not it. ME : OK, so what is? SHE: [sighs] It's your willingness to do those things without being asked. ME : Those things that I don't know what they are? SHE: You're supposed to know. That's the point. ME : How was I supposed to learn? SHE: That's not important. ME : It is on this end of the conversation. SHE: You're supposed to just *know*. ME : OK. I don't. I'm supposed to, but I don't. How do I learn if you won't tell me? SHE: If you're truly romantic, the right things will just occur to you. ME : ...and if I'm not, they won't? SHE: Right. ME : Jesus. SHE: What? ME : My girl's a relationship Calvinist. SHE: You're a loser. ME : No, apparently I'm just not among the romantic elect. SHE: Wait... ME : [standing] Sinners in the hands of an angry St. Valentine! Only the true romantics will be saved! SHE: [rolleyes] Stupid. ME : The road to hell is paved with gift certificates and boxes of stale chocolate! SHE: Stupid. ME : Say it with flowers, friends! Every kiss begins with Kay! SHE: You're ridiculous. ME : I'm baffled. SHE: There's nothing hard about what I'm saying. ME : "You're not romantic. I won't tell you what you need to do to be romantic." SHE: That's not what I'm saying. ME : Will the court stenographer read back the transcript? SHE: That's not what I'm saying. ME : OK. What are you saying? SHE: I just want you to show me you love me. ME : That's not implied when I say, "I love you"? SHE: Yes, but there needs to be more. ME : More, like what? SHE: Well, like flowers, and backrubs, and little notes and stuff. ME : I bought you flowers for your birthday last month, and I... SHE: More. More often. ME : How often? SHE: I can't give you a schedule. Just whenever it occurs to you. ME : It occurs to me at the schedule we're already on. SHE: I want it to occur to you more frequently. ME : How... SHE: Don't say "How frequently?" Just don't. ME : So, are you requesting a change in my behavior, or my character? SHE: Both. ME : Both? SHE: The one will give rise to the other. ME : Which one gives rise to which? SHE: Either way. ME : You think doing romantic things will make me more romantic? SHE: Yes. What you do becomes who you are. ME : So if I act romantic, I will become romantic? SHE: Yes. ME : So, even if I don't feel romantic, I can act like it, and that's a step in the right direction? SHE: Well... ME : Answer the question as asked, please. SHE: Yes. All right. ME : So, even if the gesture doesn't come from inside me, just doing it will make me more romantic? SHE: Yeah. ME : So, wouldn't it be logical for you to make me a list of the things I should do? SHE: That wouldn't be romantic. ME : No, but doing the things on the list would, by your own admission, make me more romantic over time. SHE: But... ME : So, you should make me a list of what you want me to do, and I'll do it. SHE: But... ME : Logic triumphs. Relationship saved. SHE: You're a fucking loser. ME : ...but you love me, right? SHE: Yes. God help me. ME : He looks after losers, I hear. December 28, 2004: Merry Christmas Ian @ 2:54 AM 'Twas the night before Christmas, on an astroturf field Full of Norseman head imagery and an NFL shield
The game was to be for the crown of the North
The one side in purple, with Moss and Culpepper
The green and gold team led by ole #4
The first quarter dragged, the second exploded
The Pack snuck a field goal in before half
The third and fourth quarters were more of the same
But with 8:45 left, something went awry
RPG, Warwick, OSheaman and Error
Hagetaka, Industrial, Simplex and Gendo
But even through this, Favre kept them alive
The defense looked up, what they saw was not great
Minnesotans did exchange high fives and cackle
But lo, came a miracle, all jaws did drop
With 1:35 left the ball came to Favre
"On Walker! On Fisher! On Driver and Clifton!"
They drove down the field efficient and quick
Forgotten was the catchphrase of old, 'Randy Ratio'
With reporters surrounding Favre's cock left and right, he said: December 25, 2004: Merry Christmas Ian @ 9:40 AM Oh snap. This is tonight's 6:00 PM SportsCenter, ultra shortened for your convenience. 5-10 minutes about Randy Johnson possibly going to the Yankees: Dan Patrick: GEE WHAT ARE THE CHANCES OF RANDY JOHNSON WHO IS A PRETTY GOOD PITCHER GOING TO THE YANKEES WHO ARE A BASEBALL TEAM THAT IS RICH BECAUSE THEY BUY PLAYERS LOL 5-10 minutes about Shaq and Kobe: Dan Patrick (in "media starting shit mode"): BOY THAT KOBE FELLA IS A SELFISH PLAYER AND THE LAKERS ARE IN 7TH PLACE, nevermind the fact that Shaq is getting paid $30 million this year and any team that trades a ridiculous contract like that won't be able to get equal value, LET'S CALL IN THE NBA SHOOTAROUND CREW BECAUSE THEY ARE MORE OBNOXIOUS THAN ME.
Stephen A. Smith: Shaquille O'Neal is the most dominant force that I have ever seen in my lifetime!
5-10 minutes about the NFL:
Sean Salisbury: The Eagles are screwed and the Pats suck because they lost to the Dolphins and have TROY BROWN TROY BROWN TROY BROWN PLAYING DB lol. Also Atlanta will win because they have MIKE VICK despite the fact other solid teams with established stars that perform well like Green Bay and the Vikings exist. In the AFC, wow I've got a boner for BEN ROTHLISBURGER because we like quarterbacks and ignore the fact that Pitt has amazing defense and unstoppable running game.
And right about there is where I stopped watching. December 24, 2004: Testing Ian @ 7:49 PM Yeah, it says sports... but I'll be damned if I talk about sports all the time. Dan might though. |
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